Times change and things change. Change is hard. After being denied the opportunity to take classes in person (rather than just online) at my current college, I have decided to take in-person classes at another local university. This is hard. Change is hard.
I worry about the new sounds and smells and distractions. I worry about how I can sit and stay in class without having to get up and move about. I want to be like other students. That is all really. I, however, have to focus not only on the course information but also on regulating myself and my body. It’s hard when I have to do that.
I do have plenty of support and I am grateful, but in the end I realize that I have to step up to the expectations people have of me. I share these expectations and want to be successful.
This is where I stand now and it seems to be where I always stand. I am pulled between a desire to be more independent and the comfort of knowing another person is there to watch out for me when I need it. I want the independence, but I also fear it.
I fear how I will deal with sitting in a classroom with my sensory issues. I fear that I will not set a good example for future persons like myself who might wish to attend this university in the future.
These things are what I am trying to deal with right now and are the things that make me worry. Well, this and the fact that I am trying to be more independent. I think I have to find a happy medium between being completely independent and accepting help when I need it. Being completely independent is a hard thing, but I have to remember that even while I think I am out there alone, I have a wonderful support team including my family, friends, therapists and teachers.